Author’s Note:
Attempting to generate an image for this satirical play using AI was a soul-sapping exercise in futility. At one point, I was one error message away from launching my laptop out the window like a rock star in a midlife crisis.
If this had been the 1970s, I’d have hurled the hotel TV into the car park and lit a cigarette over the smouldering remains.
Enter NotebookLM from Google—like a calm librarian walking into a bar fight. It actually made sense. Do yourself a favour: give it a listen before reading on.
In a faded council chamber, Stan Laurel and Ollie Hardy debate whether to conduct a local or national inquiry amid public pressure and political delays. Laurel emphasizes the need for accountability, while Hardy evades responsibility, fearing voter backlash. Their discussion reveals government inefficiency and avoidance of truth.
INT. A FADED COUNCIL CHAMBER — SOMEWHERE BETWEEN WESTMINSTER AND NOWHERE
(Stan Laurel is flicking through a thick stack of enquiry reports. Ollie Hardy is adjusting his mayoral chain, which is obviously too small and keeps getting stuck in his double chin.)
HARDY:
Stanley, this is a serious matter. The people are demanding answers. So we must decide: Do we want a local inquiry… or a national inquiry?
LAUREL:
Well… why don’t we have a national local inquiry? That way it only applies in some places but makes everyone feel involved!
HARDY (huffing):
You can’t have a national local inquiry! That’s like ordering a medium large coffee!
LAUREL:
But Ollie, last week we said we wanted a national one. Then the week before that, we said we didn’t. Then we did. Then we didn’t. Then we sort of did, but only if nobody asked too many questions…
HARDY:
That’s called government policy, Stanley.
LAUREL (scratching his head):
I thought it was called panic.
HARDY (stepping forward, speaking as if to a public gallery):
We are faced with a delicate issue — one that could cost votes, credibility, and the last wafer-thin biscuit of public trust. Therefore, we shall respond with… a Taskforce! A working group! An inter-departmental roundtable! With refreshments!
LAUREL:
But what about the girls, Ollie?
HARDY (pausing):
What girls?
LAUREL:
The ones they’re supposed to be asking about. The ones who got hurt.
HARDY:
Oh, those girls. Yes, yes. Well, we’ve drafted a Statement of Concern and a Provisional Framework for a Potential Expression of Regret. Pending further votes.
LAUREL (innocently):
You mean you’re not going to find out who did it?
HARDY:
Stanley, don’t be ridiculous! If we found out who did it, we might have to say something. Then somebody might get offended — and then what? We lose the whole constituency!
LAUREL (genuinely confused):
But I thought we were in charge.
HARDY:
Oh no, Stanley. We’re not in charge. We just act like it until the next election.
(Laurel produces a map of Britain with red Xs all over it.)
LAUREL:
I counted. There’ve been eight of these cases that we didn’t really look into.
HARDY (snatching the map):
That’s not a map! That’s a career suicide note! Take it away!
LAUREL:
But what if the voters start noticing?
HARDY:
We’ll tell them it’s local police responsibility. Or historic. Or complicated. Or “currently under review pending further scoping assessments”.
LAUREL:
That’s a lot of words for doing nothing.
HARDY (exasperated):
Stanley, doing nothing is a time-honoured British tradition! If we did something, there’d be… consequences!
LAUREL (thinking):
Like justice?
HARDY:
Don’t say that word in here!
(Laurel picks up a newspaper with the headline: “Enquiry Postponed Again” and sighs.)
LAUREL:
You know Ollie, if this keeps up, they won’t vote for Labour or anyone else. They’ll just stay home.
HARDY:
Exactly! And then nobody loses! Democracy at its finest!
(Beat. Laurel starts sobbing.)
LAUREL:
But I don’t want to be part of a country that can’t tell the truth because it might lose a seat in Bradford.
HARDY (quietly):
Neither do I, Stanley… But we’ve got a press release going out that says we’re deeply committed to transparency, so chin up, eh?
(As they leave, Laurel turns back and pins a single sign to the wall. It reads: “DO THE RIGHT THING.”)
HARDY (scoffing):
Now you’ve done it. Someone will definitely be offended.
LAUREL (smiling faintly):
I hope so.
[FADE OUT to sound of filing cabinet drawers being slammed, one after the other, into the same unopened enquiry folder.]
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